Films that F'kd Me Up, Part 2

I know you've all been holding your breath for this next blog post, so without further ado...



I saw the movie ANGEL for the first time on HBO when I was six or seven. How’s this for a tagline: “High School Honor Student by Day. Hollywood Hooker by Night.” Man, I wish they would remake this movie, as well as its sequels AVENGING ANGEL and ANGEL III. It could be a sexy star vehicle for Lindsay Lohan, who definitely has the gritty toughness and little girl lost quality that the role of “Angel” demands. Anyway, this movie really captured my young imagination. I wanted to live a glamorous double life as a streetwalker. I didn’t want to be stalked by a serial killer though, so that really made me rethink my career aspirations. Still, I’ve always had a place in my heart for “Lolita” movies, like POISON IVY and THE CRUSH. What can I say? I identify.



OK, I’m not saying that WEIRD SCIENCE fucked me up per se, it’s just that high school boys building a better woman was a slightly troubling concept for us girls. Remember that scene where Hilly & Deb discuss how perfect Lisa is? There’s a scene like that in SIXTEEN CANDLES too, when the most popular girl in school showers naked. Molly Ringwald and her friend watch hopelessly, enviously. What girl hasn’t coveted another’s body, wished it was her own? *Sigh* Yup, Kelly LeBrock was utterly stunning (that bod, those boobs, that sexy accent and her lips rival Angelina Jolie’s), but she was also kind of a mother hen figure to Gary and Wyatt. Now I’m no Mary Kay Letourneau, but I do sometimes think younger guys are pretty cute. I once had this 16-year-old intern, K, and damn was he fine! If it weren’t for the fact that it was totally wrong and illegal (I was 22 at the time), I would’ve made out with him. He ended up confiding in me that he was having an affair with one of his teachers at school. Can I sniff ‘em out or what? 100 per cent pure Lolito.



I should really just devote this paragraph to James Spader admiration in general. PRETTY IN PINK, SEX LIES & VIDEOTAPE and SECRETARY may be entirely to blame for a past predilection towards smarmy “bad” boys. I put bad in quotes because they’re usually way more pussy than tough. Yet their arrogance, intelligence, repression and general demeaning attitude towards women sometimes prove perversely irresistible. Guys like Spader are a challenge. But they’ll also make you feel like shit. They are the antithesis of John Cusack’s characters, of whom I and every other woman my age and older adores, of course. Check out the "Spader, baby." post on my old MySpace blog.(I tried to link to it here, but it didn't work. Sorry.)



And then there’s Brad Pitt. I remember seeing THELMA & LOUISE in the theater as if it were yesterday. Geena Davis begs Susan Sarandon to pick up Pitt’s charming hitchhiker/hustler. Of course he rocks Thelma’s world. That scene where they get it on and he literally throws her all over the damn motel room, finally culminating in her first ever orgasm? Be still my beating 13-year-old heart! I mean, I’d felt love thumps before for Fred Savage during the “The Wonder Years,” but never had I ever experienced lust thumps for a real man. Brad Pitt was my first. Even when he steals their money and completely fucks them over, he was still my golden boy. When he chides“I like your wife” to Thelma’s bonehead husband and then gyrates his hips? Total meltage. Stick a fork in me Brad – stick anything in me Brad! – I’m done. I’m yours. Forever. Always. In fact, I met/interviewed him for TROY a few years back, and let’s just say he did not disappoint…everything I ever hoped Brad Pitt would be and more. Beautiful. Funny. Smart. Sexy. Charismatic. Perfection!



Finally, let’s end this on a freaky note, shall we? I spent an entire week during the summer of 1987 with a fever (head flu and stomach virus double feature) watching a horror movie marathon on the USA channel. I watched something like 30+ horror and gore flicks that week, both scared out of my mind and sick out of my gourd. HALLOWEEN, PSYCHO, CHILDREN OF THE CORN, TERROR TRAIN, PROM NIGHT, CARRIE, FRIDAY THE 13TH (parts I to VI), NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, CUJO, THE SHINING, THE EXORCIST, MONKEY SHINES, CHILD’S PLAY…the sick ‘n twisted list goes on and on. No surprise, I could not sleep that week. I’d crawl into my parents’ bed every night looking for some sense of reprieve from the demons that haunted me. One night, while my parents were out cold, I watched an even scarier 20/20 special on teen runaways…which brings me back full circle to those aforementioned ANGEL movies. Kinda neat when that happens, right?



In conclusion, despite my sex and horror and violence childhood (I have not even mentioned all the Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Ah-nuld movies my brothers and dad made me watch), I turned out COMPLETELY NORMAL. Can’t you tell? Take that Tipper Gore! Oh. What’s that you say? She only combatted against crude music/music videos? Well, that’s a whole other blog…

Films that F'kd Me Up, Part 1

As I mentioned earlier in this blog, I was a precocious little girl. How precocious dare you ask? Well, one of the first movies my parents took me to see in the theater was PORKY'S when I was three (more about that later), I had two older brothers who taught me how to illegally steal the Playboy Channel when I was seven (I then passed the trick on to my friends' older brothers), and by nine years old, I'd secretly viewed most of my dad's porn collection. Despite these "questionable" formative experiences, I went on to become a relatively well-adjusted, high-honors student. OK, I did go through a short "elementary school slut" phase where I'd show the boys my non-boobies, but luckily we moved to a new town before things really got out of hand. In my new school, I was a Grade-A nerd. And I didn't care, because I was more than happy just sitting home watching cable. But I'll tell you what -- all the inappropriate/sexy movies I saw as a youngster paid off in the end. I received two A+'s in college: Writing About Violence & Horror in Film and Human Sexuality. Check out some of the movies that influenced my young mind...



Yes, it's true: My parents took me (3) and my brothers (6 & 8) to see PORKY's in the theater. When we asked my mom about this questionable parenting decision years later, she explained, "We thought it was a Porky Pig movie!" Sorry mom, but that answer doesn't quite cut it. PORKY's was Rated R. Helloooo. Then she offered, "Your father wanted to see it, and you and your brothers didn't want to leave." My parents should just admit they were very, very stoned that day. But anyway...scenes that still stick out in my mind are a young Kim Cattrall howling like a shewolf in heat while she gets boned by the male assistant phys. ed teacher in the office above the gymnasium, and of course, the scene where Pee Wee sticks his peepee through the hole in the girls' showers and the giant, scary female gym teacher grabs it and yanks, hard. Classic!



The scene above is where Stacy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) loses her virginity in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. Most guys remember this movie because of that whole Phoebe Cates getting out of the pool, unleashing her big wet tits thing. Sure, that was hot, but it was merely Judge Reinhold's masturbatory fantasy. JJL getting her cherry popped by some older dude she met at a mall to the strains of "Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne hit home *for reals*. I mean, my experience was obviously different. I lost it to my high school boyfriend and we were in love, yada yada, BUT I remember how badly I wanted to just get it over with, too. Then that sleazeball Damone banged Stacey in the pool house, ended up knocking her up, and she had to get an abortion. (That part did not happen to me.) Finally she ends up with that sweet nerdy guy who liked her all along. Awww. Oh yeah, and Sean Penn's surfer dude was adorably fuckable. Aloha Spicoli!




That there is Tom Cruise undressing Lea Thompson in ALL THE RIGHT MOVES. This is one of Tomkat's lesser known teen flicks, but the sex scenes make it a hidden treasure. For instance, there's this part early on in the movie where Tommy & Lea make out in a car, and the camera pans close-up on Tom's hand as he unzips Lea's fly, works his way inside her panties, and starts thrusting his fingers in & out. Damn! Later on in the movie, Lea comes over Tom's house wearing her marching band uniform. Yup, she was the hot version of the band camp girl. Anyway, he takes off her uniform and she's wearing *long johns* underneath. Only in the '80s man! Then they both get buck-nekkid and DO IT. Nice. By the way, my dad had both this one and RISKY BUSINESS on VHS. Which reminds me, I also loved the scene in RB where Tom scores with Rebecca DeMornay on a train/subway. Kinda became a little fantasy of mine; way hotter than the mile high club if you ask me. (I just want to note here that I am not and have never been attracted to Tom Cruise. But I was once gang-audited by a group of Scientologists in college... and I liked it, OK?!?!?!?)



Alright, I know this is a silly one, but GREASE 2 really captured my horny, pre-teen imagination. The song "Reproduction" was naughtier than anything in the original GREASE. And if you ask me, Michelle Pfieffer and Matthew Caulfield (haven't seen him again since EMPIRE RECORDS, remember: "Oh Rexy! You so sexy!") were totally hotter than Olivia Newton John and John Travolta. Just a personal preference. Anyway, "Stephanie" and "Michael" make out on the back of a motorcycle (biker sex), a T-Bird seduces a Pink Lady by tricking her into thinking World War III has begun (foreshadows post 9-11 sex) and the movie features a song called "Score Tonight." Plus, Ms. Pfeiffer straddling the top of a ladder singing "Cool Rider"? Check out these sex kitten lyrics:

I don't want no ordinary guys/Coming on strong to me/They don't know what I'm looking for/They don't know what I need/They're gonna know when he gets here/ Cause the crowd will be shaking/ I'll do anything to let him know/ That I'm his, his for the taking



Finally, an indie art house film. Once again, I don't know what my parents - specifically my mom - was thinking. We were on a family vacation in Nantucket and she decides to rent an old French lesbian schoolgirl film, ISABELLE AND THERESA. So I'm sitting there on the floor, drawing with my markers and pad, meanwhile my mom is in the midst of a sapphic film fest. WTF?! Later that night when my parents went out on the town, I told my brothers about the movie. They shut me out of the room and popped it back in the VCR. That was one of the few times that they appreciated their "narc" little sister ;)

*Keep an eye out for Films that F'kd Me Up, Part II, coming soon...

The Girl Next Door

The other night I was out with my friend M who said she thought of me as a "girl next door" type. I must say, I was surprised by that comment. I more often get the whole "exotic" thing, and every now and then "creative" -- or, as a dude in a bar recently told me "You look like a medieval artist" -- whatever the hell that means. Anyway, I've always thought of my sweet lovely roommate as a better example of the girl next door. I pointed that out to M. She agreed, but then declared, "Ok, you're like the Playboy girl next door!" Now there's a compliment.

But you know what? When I started to think about it, I've been compared to quite a few celeb/pseudo-celeb "girls next door" over the years. One interesting/mysterious example is Elisabeth Shue. You know, from KARATE KID and ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING? I know what you're thinking -- we look nothing alike. I completely agree. But, *three* ex-boyfriends told me I reminded them of her. Apparently it's my voice. Weird, right? Here's Elisabeth in GND-mode, and then again in PGND-mode. [GND=Girl Next Door; PGND=Playboy Girl Next Door]





In high school, this boy I liked told me I reminded him of Six from the TV show "Blossom". I guess I should've been offended, but at the time I thought Jenna Von Oy was cute (way cuter than Mayim Bialik, hello!) and loved her outfits. Once again, the comparison was mostly due to a vocal reason -- I used to be quite the chatterbox when I was younger. Unlike today of course. Ha. But you gotta check out Jenna then and now. Yowza!






Remember that show "Boy Meets World"? Remember Ben Savage's girlfriend Topanga? Yeah, I used to get her too. What the hell happened to Danielle Fishel anyway? I'm pretty sure she got fat, but I did find a somewhat recent bondage-style shot of her. Whoa.






And then there were all those "That '70s Show" girl comparisons to Mila Kunis. Long dark hair. Check! Carefully manicured eyebrows. Check! Dating Macauley Culkin...no check. Anyway, I can see the similiarity to Jackie. She's a Ruskie, too. (I'm like 1/2 Russian.)Oh yeah, she also starred in the straight-to-video classic AMERICAN PSYCHO 2: ALL AMERICAN GIRL where she seduces William Shatner! Hot hot hot.





Finally, we're gonna take it way back to the actual 1970s with the girl next door from "One Day at a Time." No, not that bad apple Mackenzie Phillips. I'm talking about sweet younger daughter Barbara Cooper. When Valerie Bertinelli married Eddie Van Halen back in '81, she blew her good girl cover. Too bad she never starred in any of their videos a la Whitesnake's David Coverdale & Tawny Kitean. I'm sad to say that Valerie & Van Halen have since divorced, but must also tell you that my mom's boyfriend thinks *my mom* looks like Valerie Bertinelli now. It all makes sense right?










So you see, it's like a rite of passage to be a girl-next-door-turned-bad, or not really bad, but you know, turned Playboy Centerfold. Even if they are only on the cover of Stuff Magazine like Ms. Kunis, or in a King Magazine photo spread like Ms. Von Oy. And let us not forget Ms. Shue's Oscar nomination for playing a hooker (with a heart of gold, obviously) in LEAVING LAS VEGAS. Don't worry Topanga, there's hope for you yet!