Daniel Hand “Hollywood” High School

People are always comparing Hollywood to high school, and you know what, it’s true! Well, I suppose it depends how big your high school was… my home town is pretty small; my high school was under 1000 kids. In the grade below me, there a was even a clique of popular girls all named Heather - just like the movie! How crazy is that?



Some brilliant kid in the 11th grade labeled them “Voltron”…



since separate they were merely robotic panthers, but together they formed a monster! Kinda like the Pussycat Dolls.



But anyway, as a so-called "entertainment journalist", this is the breakdown in my head of how I relate to my subjects…



Britney Spears – She is in her own universe. All the other girls used to worship her, but she has fallen as her craziness & trashiness has been revealed. She’s like this girl KD I was friends with over the years. The prettiest blonde in my grade, and rather funny with a genuine sweet side, but also just on her own planet & self-absorbed which, as we got older, didn’t fly with the girls who used to flutter around her. She got kicked to the curb by the cool clique, but she had been cool for a long while before that & the guys all still thought she was hot, so it didn’t matter. She was a child model and there were always all these rumors about her having a recording contract or being on a soap opera…now she’s a former kindergarten teacher who is married with two kids, which, come to think of it, would’ve been a likely fate for Britney if the whole superstar thing hadn’t worked out.



Paris Hilton – She is an evil beeyotch. All the other girls are scared of her because she’s basically a narcissistic sociopath and will trash you, to your face, at the drop of a hat. As they say, "With friends like these.." She reminds me of TV, an older gorgeous blonde who was a senior when I was a junior. TV terrorized one of my best friends when she discovered that her on-again/off-again boyfriend hooked up with EB. We’re talking a vandalized car, crank calls, threatening notes, etc. I think Paris would just sic one of her jerky guy friends (Brandon Davis, ahem) on someone, but it’s the same idea. However, I do think Paris has ONE redeeming quality – she’s a huge animal lover. We could totally bond on a date at the zoo. Hmmm, maybe I will pitch that piece!




Lindsay Lohan – She is a messed up little girl trying to play grown up with a mom who lives vicariously through her. Reminds me of XX, who also kinda resembled LiLo when we were young. As a child, XX was pushed into pageants by her mom, and later took modeling classes and such. But XX was cooler than LL in the sense that she always stood apart from the popular crowd. Whether by choice or sheer inability to fit in, XX was kind of a loner. This one time at the “cool” freshman girls lunch table, she insinuated that this kiss-ass HB was a KD-wannabe (aka “Britney” from above)right to her face, right in front of KD. HB got all insulted and the whole table fell silent, it was great teenybopper drama, let me tell you. I loved XX for that – she just said whatever the fuck was on her mind. Last I heard she was in the military – which gives me an idea – La Lohan in a remake of “Private Benjamin”!



Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen – I’m tempted to treat them as one person since I can never get a clear picture of their separate identities. Ashley is like semi-normal and put together, a representative for “the team.” Whereas Mary Kate is the wild card, although she usually just keeps quiet and dances on banquettes or roams around town in her designer homeless gear. Together, they remind me of AL, who had been a seemingly innocent girl in middle school (kinda like the twins in their “Full House’ days), but then matured to “hot” status in high school. She was voted “Best Personality” in the yearbook, which always baffled me because I never got a sense of her personality, period. I mean, I can usually connect with someone on some level, but AL and I never clicked. Not at all. Nothing to say. Maybe it was me? I don’t know. But then I randomly bumped into her in a bar in NYC years later, and I still found her to be rather strange and sour. Oh yeah, and AL became attached at the hip - Olsen style - to HB, the kiss ass mentioned earlier.



Jessica & Ashlee Simpson – Also see Hilary & Haylie Duff (but in reverse). There were always a bunch of cases like this: A pair of sisters where one was hot and the other just rode on the cooler one’s coat-tails. It’s like popularity is inherited. There were so many cases I don’t even know where to begin… but let me just say, it didn’t quite work the same way if you had a hot brother. Because I did, and nobody wanted to date me because of it. Some of the girls were nicer to me, sure (aforementioned HB, KD, etc), but it wasn’t exactly my ticket to Prom Queen status. But back to Jessica – or rather, let’s do Nick Lachey instead: 100% my friend TK. All the girls had crushes on TK, but he was just a sporty meathead who – as we all knew from his Richard Marx solo chorus performance ("Right Here Waiting”) in 7th grade– could also carry a tune. Extra cute points! Pretty sure he’s got a beer belly and drives a truck now.



Nicole Richie – I love the story of an underdog/sidekick who rises above her bitchy friend. It’s a pretty hard thing to pull off in high school, and I don’t have any good examples. However, there are two girls, SS & KM, who come kinda close. Both were rather shy wallflowers that nobody particularly cared about, and then suddenly in 9th grade (KM) and 11th grade (SS), Poof! They were hot & cool. No one really knew how it happened. I mean, KM lost her baby fat, dyed her hair blonde and got contacts – fine. That makes sense. But SS went through this total personality transformation. She became funny and flirty and bitchy and wore great clothes suddenly... it was as if she sold her soul to the Devil! Like Ms. Richie, she was exceedingly thin and came from a wealthy family. Plus she had numerous falling outs with friends (like the Paris thing) along the way. Par for the course.



Christina Aguilera – The skanky one, who try as she might, will never quite lose that rep. She reminds me of my friend MS, who was the slut of my grade. (Of course we were friends, duh! I love sluts!) MS was also best friends with SS (Nicole Richie type above) but they had some falling out which was exacerbated by the fact that they were next door neighbors and their moms were best friends. Yikes. MS also had a major enemy in KD (“Britney” – how fitting!), as they had dated the same guy. I’m pretty sure he cheated on KD with MS – sort of shocking since KD was so “hot” but I think MS had some skillz, ya know what I’m sayin’? In fact, MS was involved in this one major school-wide scandal... the best sex scandal to ever rock the D.H.H.S. halls! MS got mad at aforementioned ex-boyfriend, JR, and brought in a photo of him naked on all fours wearing a dog collar and passed it around the school. They were both called into the principal’s office, along with the school psychologist, to discuss the incident. At JR’s graduation, the whole audience barked when his name was called. Talk about humiliation. MS sure had a lot of moxie!



Pink – The tough girl. KH was the tough girl in my grade. She was friends with all the guys and I was never friends with her because I was way too intimidated. She would diss all the cool girls when she hung with the guys, but all the cool girls knew she was in with the guys, so she was sort of revered. I always wanted to be friends with a chick like this. But I’m way too girly. I don’t play video games. I can’t talk sports. Or finance. Or politics (well not much, but I am working on that one). But I do like nature, and I can talk music and porn and gross-out humor and nerdy (not tech, but like, space and science and stuff). Anyway, KH could hang with all the guys and I guess I was jealous. She also happened to be a blonde with big boobs and a very pretty face. She could’ve been playing Barbies with the high school Betties, but instead she played the saxophone or something. I wonder what she’s doing now. I should probably make a point of saying hi to her at my high school reunion in November. Yes, I’m going – you better believe it. As my hilarious friend Sara Schaefer recently declared, “When you’re a comedian, you go to that shit!”



Mischa Barton – Who didn’t know a pretty, personality-challenged popular girl? GM was a perfect example… blonde, thin, harmless, but not particularly smart or funny or interesting. GM was mousy really, but the cool girls took her under their wing when she moved to town in 8th grade. She became a cheerleader, dated cute boys and was voted “Best Dressed” inexplicably in the yearbook. Did I mention that the kids in my town only wore J. Crew, Gap, and Abercrombie & Fitch? When I went to college, all the black pants and Burberry scarves and Kate Spade and Prada bags completely overwhelmed me. I wonder where GM went to college? Or was she killed off after high school? I guess I’ll find out at the reunion… HOLY SHIT! I just remembered as I wrote that: GM was held hostage by some psychopath kid during her freshman year of college. Then she transferred. Crikey. Now I really need to talk to her!



Natalie Portman – My friend EB (we’re no longer friends, long catty girl story, but I am interested to catch up with her at the reunion too) was the Natalie Portman of our town. Smart, beautiful, Jewish and worshipped by the guys, as well as the teachers. It really wasn’t fair. She was pretty even as a little girl, and much like Ms. Portman, she had an easy rapport with her elders, including upperclassmen. She also won all the achievement awards every year. And like Nat’s sexy performance in “Closer,” EB had a secret dark side…let’s just say she wasn’t that innocent. And despite our falling out, I’m not gonna gossip about her, even though I really, really want to. Sometimes ya gotta know when it's enough to just insinuate. Well, I hear she’s married and a successful lawyer now. No surprise there. *Yawn.*



Beyonce – I don’t want it to seem purposeful or racist when I only include one black girl on this list, but I wanted to be true to my high school. There was only one black girl in my grade, as well as in the grade above me. Listen, I’m from WASP-ville, Connecticut. *I* was the most exotic girl around! Anyway, like the Bootylicious one, both MP and NW were musically gifted. Neither of them dated rappers as far as I know, but MP is living the glamorous life as a stylist in NYC now. Her mom used to be the make-up artist for all the school plays and I remember thinking that was really cool. See, they kinda were like Beyonce and Tina Knowles, all fashionista-y! House of Dereon is way classier than Baby Phat, I’ll give ’em that much. Though I must say, Kimora Lee was pretty cool when I met her. A diva, yes, but not as bad as you’d expect. I think her (ex)-hubby is a jerk though. It’s a long story, and I don’t want to name drop too much (uh, too late I guess! haha), but Russell once commented to a friend of mine that I was “too short” to be considered attractive. I love being dissed by celebrities, I mean, it’s a compliment they'd even think of me, really!





Finally, let’s all ask ourselves this: Why can’t Eva Longoria & Eva Mendes just get along? Neither actress will ever be J.Lo –



so please chicas, get over the drama. Don’t make me sic Michelle Rodriguez on your skinny asses!



(OK, you got me. I made that one up. It’s my job! Haha…kidding, kidding. Sorta.)

Films That Crack My Dad’s Shit Up

It’s my Dad’s birthday today – 65, going on 56 (oh well, I tried) – so this one goes out to him! Plus, he was annoyed about my “Films That F’kd Me Up” blogs, so I want to make it up to him. Sorry dad. I love you. But I still think you should admit parental responsibility for taking your elementary school-age children to see an R-rated teen sex romp, aka PORKYS. In retrospect, we’re glad you did. (In the moment it was fun too!)



Slapshot (1977)- I know this movie is supposed to be very funny, but I only recall three things about it: Paul Newman, the “Handsome Brothers,” and hockey. My dad’s a huge hockey fanatic. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a specific favorite team (maybe the Rangers though? Hmmm), he just appreciates a good game. Moreso than that, he appreciates a good fight. He’s been known to record hockey games then edit together a tape of *just fights.* When I date a guy, he always makes a point of asking if he likes hockey. Anyway, there aren’t all that many hockey movies – though I do recall thinking Rob Lowe was hot in YOUNGBLOOD back in the days before he banged a sixteen year old girl and it was caught on video. Remember that scandal? In the age of Paris Hilton, nobody does, so it’s fine. But I digress. Hockey rules, and so does this movie, according to my Dad.



Animal House (1978) – Alright, this one’s an obvious classic. John Belushi is definitely my dad’s favorite part of this film. He’d always crack up at the part where Bluto is on line in the cafeteria filling his tray with *everything* in sight. That is SO my Dad! He was also quite fond of saying that my brother Ivan’s college fraternity house was just like the Delta House. (Honestly, having stayed there once, I’d say Ivan's frat - including the brotherhood - were ten times more foul.) Me personally, my favorite scenes are Larry’s good/evil conscience advising him on what to do with the underage girl passed out naked in front of him, as well as the scene where Mandy Pepperidge is giving her dickhead boyfriend a hand job wearing a plastic glove. Hilarious!



Risky Business (1983) – I’m not exactly sure why my dad loves this movie so much, but I have two guesses: the “Old Time Rock ‘n Roll” dance scene (it’s not Tom's underwear - Dad’s a big Bob Seeger fan) and just the whole brothel plot line, in general. I suppose that’s every man’s fantasy to some degree, and my dad’s got a particularly pervy sense of humor. I mean, duh, I had to get it from somewhere! (Then again, my mom’s a bit of an undercover sexpot herself). Recently, my Dad told me he caught another movie, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, on HBO late night and kinda liked it. No surprise there.



Back to School (1986) – I think my Dad has always loved Rodney Dangerfield. I definitely remember seeing EASY MONEY at a very young age, too. Rodney, aka Thornton Mellon, is like my Dad’s Id personified. If I remember correctly, his favorite scene is the one where Thorton tells off Kurt Vonnegut when he gets an “F” on a report Vonnegut himself wrote: “Fuck me? Hey, Kurt, can you read lips, fuck you! Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum!” Hmmm. I could be wrong about that. He also really liked the part where Sam Kinison as a History teacher freaks the fuck out. R.I.P. guys, this in one funny ass scene:





As Good As It Gets (1997) – Jack Nicholson is another of my Dad’s favorites. In fact, if I were to ever cast an actor as my Dad in the movie version of his life, I would probably go with good ol’ Jack. In this movie, he plays a man named Melvin Udall who is exceedingly cantankerous and completely obsessive-compulsive. I wouldn’t say my Dad’s nearly as misanthropic as this character, however, he’s close in the O.C.D. department! Also, you may remember that Melvin begrudgingly comes to care for an ugly lap dog named Verdell. In his “old” age, my Dad has also become more affectionate/accepting towards animals. I used to resent him for kicking my pregnant cat which caused her to miscarry a kitten (to be fair, we did not know she was pregnant, and she had eaten his steak that was thawing on the counter). Nowadays he looks forward to me bringing my cat Tijs home for visits, and claims to “really like” his girlfriend’s little dog – even lets it sleep in his bed. The lesson, of course: You *can* teach some old dogs new tricks.



Happy B-day, Daddy-o! XOXO