Lamda Epsilon Zeta

Starring: Ashley, Melanie & Lisa




(OPEN ON: SORORITY HOUSE BEDROOM. THREE BEDS. MELANIE PAINTS HER TOE NAILS. ASHLEY SITS AT A DESK IN FRONT OF LISA’S COMPUTER. LISA IS NOT THERE YET.)


ASHLEY
Do you remember that picture Lisa took of me at the winter semi-formal?


Ashley scans though Lisa’s computer files.


MELANIE
You mean the one of you giving Danimal head in the back of the bus?




Ashley rolls her eyes.


ASHLEY
I just want to post it on his Facebook page.

MELANIE
That’s sweet.


Ashley suddenly shrieks.


MELANIE
Goddamnit Ash, you just made me spill all over my brand new Isaac Mizrahi Target designer pillow sham. What is your fucking malfunction?




ASHLEY
Lisa. Is. A. Lesbian.


MELANIE
Twat the fuck are you talking about?


Melanie sidles up beside Ashley at the computer. Ash clicks on a file marked “XXX,”
revealing numerous porn shots of girls getting it on with each other –twosomes, threesomes, foursomes – as well as some video porn files. Melanie pushes Ashley aside and clicks on a video. Two girls fellate a hot pink dildo.




MELANIE & ASHLEY
(screaming)
Ewwww! Ewwww! Ewwwww!


The girls look at each other in horror, then both look at the bed in the middle of the room. Lisa’s bed. Melanie immediately starts tearing apart her nightstand while Ashley drops to her knees and hunts under the dust ruffle.


MELANIE
(holding up a book)
Jenna Jameson: How to Make Love Like a Pornstar!




ASHLEY
(holding up a box)
A vibrator signed by Ellen Degeneres!




They gasp. At that moment, the door swings open. It’s Lisa. She’s on her cellie.


LISA
…So I told that slut to lick my left tit!


Melanie and Ashley look at each other knowingly. Lisa sees all her belongings strewn about the room.


LISA
What the fuck!


She snaps the phone shut.


ASHLEY
Lisa, we know.


LISA
Know what?


MELANIE
Don’t play dumb. You like to chow box.


LISA
I like chow mein...



ASHLEY
How do you explain this?


She tosses over a copy of BUST magazine.




LISA
So what? I subscribe to it for my Gender Relations class.


Melanie clucks her tongue and holds up a DVD. It’s "Kissing Jessica Stein."



LISA
C’mon. We all watched that together.


ASHLEY
Yeah, before we knew you were a LESBIAN.


MELANIE
Just admit it Lisa.


LISA
I am not a lesbian.


Both Ashley and Melanie cross their arms across their chests, scowling.


ASHLEY
Look. We found the porn on your computer.


Lisa sighs.





LISA
Watching lesbian porn does not make me a lesbian.


MELANIE
Well what does it make you -- BI?


LISA
No. I just like to watch lesbian porn.


ASHLEY
Why?


LISA
I don’t know. It's kinda hot.


MELANIE
And that's why you are a lesbian!


LISA
But I’ve never even kissed a girl. I can’t be a lesbian.


ASHLEY
But you want to kiss a girl?



LISA
No. I just like to watch.


MELANIE
Do you play with yourself while you watch?


LISA
Ummm, sometimes?


ASHLEY
Lesbian!


LISA
Not true. I’ve only ever been in love guys. There are lots of girls like me. You can ask my Womens Studies professor all about it. Now I’m late for cheerleading practice.


Lisa grabs a small duffle bag and her poms-poms and exits the room. The girls look really confused.




ASHLEY
I thought for sure she was a lesbo.


MELANIE
Me too. Who knows. Forget it. I need to take a shower anyway.


ASHLEY
Oh, do you want help shaving your bikini line again?




MELANIE
Sure. And can you deep condition my pubes with Pantene this time?




The girls smile and head for the bathroom...




THE END