I Was An Elementary School Slut

I was four-years-old back in '82 when my parents took me and my brothers (seven and nine, respectively) to see "Porky's." I distinctly remember a young Kim Cattrall howling like a she-wolf in heat while getting boned by the assistant coach. I made a mental note to learn some animal mating calls for future "make believe" purposes. Seriously, why did my parents bring three little kids to see an R-rated sex comedy?

Dad: "We thought it was a Porky Pig movie!"

Mom: "Your father wanted to see it and you refused to leave! What could I do?"

Pass the popcorn, Mom. This sexy sneak preview to a post-pubescent future was the likely root of my hyper-sexuality, and here's what followed...

I Was An Elementary School Slut