Channeling Chuck Woolery

I recently started a new gig as a dating columnist for a New York City newspaper. Although I never would have predicted taking a job quite like this, it's turned out to be a good match (pun intended) thus far, fortuitously bringing to the forefront one of my lesser-known skills: matchmaking. As a couple of my closest girl friends have noted in the past, I am something of a "sexual instigator." Basically, I like helping people get their groove on with like-minded individuals. Love makes the world go round, i.e. sex keeps us mentally and physically stimulated -- specifically, sex with another person, not surfing YouPorn (although that's a close second).



You see, I'm a natural in this position due to a certain saucy "joie de vivre" I possess. At times, my presence seems to inspire full-moon-like behavior amongst the menfolk. I am frequently approached by dudes -- at the gym, on the subway, on the street, in the bar, etc. Sadly, I must admit their quality is nothing to brag about; it's their quantity. I may just be the pied-piper of plebeian pollywogs! Let's put it this way: the Millionaire Matchmaker probably wouldn't touch my Tenderonnies with a ten foot pole.



Nowadays, freak shows not only harass me in real life, but they've found me here on the internet, too. More and more frequently, I become acquainted with the cyber-eyes of sybaritic guys through social networking services like Myspace, Friendster and Facebook. From dwarves to dragonslayers (I'm not kidding), my male admirers are nothing if not diverse. Below, you'll find examples of three bachelors who have recently reached out to me. That's right -- it's time to turn the tables on your hostess and play Love Connection!



Bachelor Number One: Barry



Barry sent me an intriguing message over Myspace that read, "I'm an actor and musician. I own a talent agency in New York for actors and models. Would like to talk to you. Call me at 212-***-****. Barry"

As you can see by his photos, Barry resembles Billy Idol on crystal meth. Call me crazy, but I had to know more. So, I checked out his profile...

About me:

Sexy great body, funny open minded, athletic, insatiable, incredible in bed, and I'm an actor/singer and I own a talent agency. If you're lucky enough to meet me, you will be in for the thrill of your life.

Who I'd like to meet:

I'd like to meet the sexy girl version of myself. If you're out there, don't even think about getting back to me - just do it!

While Barry's virtual casting couch was tempting, I was soon bowled over by...

Bachelor Number Two: Peter Chimpanzee



Like many of our ancestors at Ellis Island, my Nigerian prince had to have his real last name Americanized and changed into the more easily pronounceable "Chimpanzee." But as you can see, his note via Friendster proves that Peter is fluent in the International Language, if not the fine art of punctuation.

Subject: Hi Angel

Message:

Hello Dear,
Impressing is what I describe your profile as...a near perfect description of what I desire in a (woman), even your pics go a long way in describing the quintessential, underlying beauty any would seek for in a (partner)... I know I like you from the moment that I have laid my eyes on your profile...I know I like you but all that matters is to know that real friendship and love relationships begin on a basic foundation of friendship and that is something that (depends on) communication. I am Peter (Chimpanzee) by name and I am from Nigeria, I am searching through singles profiles looking for a serious partner in my life, when I get hooked to your cute and gorgeous picture, it was a surprise for me that someone very beautiful and lovely like you can be found by me, because it is all I have been praying for all of my life, your profile also drive me crazily and get my heart nurtured. Well I am a religious and God fearing (man) looking for a woman who is going to be my everything in life, my life, my soul and my successor, someone who is ready to be loved, someone who is ready for a strong and long-time relationship that is never going to end but will be everlasting through eternity, someone sweet and very fantastic, someone to blow (kisses) and spell the word love in my mind, my motive is to love and be loved returned as life is so much (to ponder). I (would) love to get to know you more better and yes you can reach me on here through email "chimpazee@yahoo.com" or through my number +234**********.

Sweet and very fantastic? I'll take that. But I must admit, while it's cute at first, eventually it becomes a chore to constantly have to translate your soul mate's broken English. Call me a snob, but I need a man who can write a good game. And that's why I was so intrigued by...

Bachelor Number Three: The Alchemist



Dr. Alchemy is actually someone I've met a handful of times in reality. While he seemed a little odd/overly attentive, I didn't quite understand the depth of his feelings until I received this email on Myspace:

Subject: Lights, camera, ACTION!!!

Take 2 of scene, "The Alchemist"'s Myspace Friend Request to the mystically beautiful, Saryn.

Indoor: Bedroom painted in a pastel-like baby blue with touches of sand like texture all around the mid-to-bottom part of the wall. Saryn lounges by her bed in her pj's with her kitty kat to her left and her lap top by the headboard, which resembles a sculpture created by Rodin, something along the gates of hell. The sun is gleaming ever so smoothly through her Morrocan-style window. Her Turkish silk curtains are flowing with the help of the breeze from the Mediterranean sea. She is checking her Myspace page and realizes she has received another friend request from this persistent character named "The Alchemist." Saryn has this facial expression which asks, "Who is this Kat?"... If you read this e-mail, then tradition has it that you should continue to develop the rest of this story.



Interestingly enough, these men exemplify three of my basic boyfriend types: the arrogant business man, the romantic foreigner, and the creative counterpart. Keeping that in mind, I leave it to you, dear audience, to decide which fine gentleman deserves a shot at destiny with Saryndipity (that's me). Who should it be: Barry, Peter or The Alchemist? Vote now!



I'll be back in two-and-two ;)